This year has been one of the most difficult years I have ever experienced. There's been other rough times, for sure. But no other time with the intense searing pain that has come with this year.
I need to write about it. To process it. Yet, in this strange community it's very difficult to talk with anyone. Either people are too involved or they don't want to know.
My world has been flipped upside down. I now just keep wondering what the next bad news will be. But that's no way to live life is it?
Yet day after day, pain pain pain. My heart hurts so bad.
I really just want to walk away from it all. Pooh on you tough town. I've had it with you. Yet, I feel so wrapped up in the intrigue and charm here. Friends who aren't really friends. A church that is bruised and hasn't yet recovered.
Does it work to do that? To just... Leave? Can a heart heal that way, or is that running away from issues that will simply just follow?
We have an opportunity, to go somewhere else. Where new people can hurt us, lol
But, seriously. Is this what life is really like? Is this how all humans are? Thoughtless and selfish? Honestly, I have to admit, there are moments of kindness here. People showing some loveliness. But, in the end. They all leave. Do what they want... and leave.
Who cares about you. Figure it out.
Then, a whole group of people who (seem?) to actually ACTIVELY try to make things worse. Way worse. Mean, simply mean mean mean. I want them to go away. I don't want to smile at them on the street.
Now here I wrestle. How do I grow? I feel crushed, utterly crushed. I know I can't stay in this broken state. Yet this whole town reminds me every day.
Lord, where do you want us to be? Please... either give me the strength to stay here with joy...
Or move us on.
This feels like a slow painful death at this point.
